Knocked Down

Warning: This is a "venting" post. Read at your own risk.

I have been knocked around a lot lately. It seems a great force is trying really hard to keep me down. And guess what? I don't like it! If I keep getting knocked down like I have been, pretty soon I will be empty, and my salt will lose its savor -- if you know what I mean. (Go HERE if you don't know what I mean.)

I have been ambushed by people who are unhappy with me for a variety of reasons, I have been sick for 2 weeks, and it is the middle of dreary January -- so all things seem amplified. (It is a lot easier to deal with crud when I am in full health, and there are flowers blooming.) At this moment, I am tired, I am emotionally exhausted, and I am ready to move on from all the drama and sickness that has been in my life lately.

Have I mentioned that I hate drama? Seriously, I have no time for it.

So, I am making an effort to de-clutter my life. I am cleaning out socially, emotionally, spiritually, physically -- you name it, it is time to clean-up this mess. I want to ditch things that don't matter, and embrace the things that do.

I am a wife, and a mother, and that is where my energies should be consumed right now -- not thinking about social theatrics. I am so tired of the merry-go-round of emotions, caused by all the weird things that have gone on with people. It has come from many directions. This kind of girl-drama is the exact reason why I have been so reclusive in the past -- I don't have energy for it. I never have. To be honest, I have always preferred hanging out with boys/men and talking about politics. (Or girls that like to talk about politics.) Lucky for me, my best friend is a man.

I am not likely to change very basic parts of my personality. I am who I am -- take it or leave it. I can almost guarantee I am not changing my social ways in this lifetime. I warn people of my lack of being awesome ahead of time. I know I am not a great friend, but most of the time I am just trying to be a good friend to myself. I am trying to keep my head above water. Maybe I seem like I have things under control, but that is just an illusion.

I do not have things under control.

I just keep swimming, trying, moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other -- each and everyday. I am surviving. Sometimes I have energy for people, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I like hanging-out and being social, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have my airplane oxygen mask firmly in place so I can help you put on yours, and other times I am waiting for my oxygen mask to deploy, while breathing in and out slowly, trying not to pass out.

I have different times and seasons. Sometimes I thrive, and sometimes I just survive.

Right now I am surviving.

However, no matter what season it is, I am not a social butterfly. I never have been. I doubt I ever will be. I just don't feel the need to be. I like to be with people, but I do not need constant validation from others to be OK with being me. I am OK with being alone. I used to go to restaurants all by myself, order my food, and read in the corner. I know who I am, and I am validated by being a daughter of God.

Along with knowing who I am, I also just LOVE being home. There is so much to do at home. It is such a happy place for me. I am never alone at home, there are usually kids running around. But I am also never alone, ever, because I have God to keep me company.

This is not to say I should not reach beyond myself and love others, I do try to do that. I have a lot of opportunities to reach beyond myself at church, and with our awesome neighbors. But even still, I can only handle so much before I have to pull back, and regroup. Regrouping is becoming even more necessary now as my children are getting older. The people in my home need me to be there for them. I have been very irritated at the social dramatics that have been keeping me from them emotionally. (Drama is very distracting for my brain, and makes it feel fuzzy.)

I am grateful for my family who loves me no matter what (especially Charles), and I am grateful for my very few good friends who take me as I am -- no strings attached. I am not the best at being friends, mostly because I am just trying to keep myself functioning properly while balancing home, church, family, running our own business, and trying to have some sense of health in my life. There is not much left over at the end of the day.

I am also grateful for my blog. It is an outlet for me. It allows me to work through my feelings by writing them down. They are not always positive feelings, and that is OK. I recently read a quote that said, " There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections." And really that is all can hope for. I am hopelessly flawed, but maybe you can let my mistakes be an example to you.

I do not know why people have felt the need to smash me down lately. It has been bizarre. The fiery darts of hell have been using me as target practice. I have had the desire to move to far away places, or go back to Alaska and live in the woods with my family. I just want to get away from everyone and everything, and start over. Oh, how I wish I could just flee . . . and get away from it all.

But I can't.

I cannot up and leave, and start over. It is not possible. I have to deal with my stuff right where I am. And all I can do is try and dust myself off, and put the smashed-up pieces of myself back together, and be the better for it. I have to let all the lame stuff go, and move forward -- with power gained from the lessons I have learned.

For now, I am working on picking-up my "salt shaker" (me), and filling myself up with "salt" (good/uplifting things), so that I am not empty, and good for nothing. (What good is an empty salt shaker?) I do not want to be an empty vessel, what good am I to God in that form?

Lucky for me, I learned back in my karate days, when you get knocked down you had better get up again, or you will be defeated, you will lose. I do not believe in being defeated. One time, while sparring (controlled fighting), I was kicked violently in the head (not allowed), but I managed to stay on my feet and keep fighting. While my head burned with pain and fire, I began fighting with even more power, I kept at it -- kicking and punching and staying on my feet -- despite being beat down by an illegal move, a very "low-blow" to the head. That low-blow gave me strength beyond my own, an adrenaline rush surged though my body, and allowed me to win.

So, even though I have had some extremely painful low-blows lately, I will not be defeated. I will always keep fighting.  And I can feel a spiritual adrenaline rush forming as a result of my emotional "kicks in the head".

You can knock me down.

But I will always get up again . . .

January Snapshots

There is beauty all around. All the outdoor images were taken from my backyard. I love to focus on the simple beauties of life. You don't have to go far to see amazing things. Jack Frost was at his work again, and it was simply wonderful! 

Just some random shots of the kiddos that I adore so much... Have I mentioned lately how much I love these 4 precious gems? They are so beautiful to me (because they are mine). It is amazing the spell your own children can put you under. My children are the most beautiful to me, as I hope your children are the most beautiful to you. I sure love these little muffins!

Duck Dynasty

We have been watching Duck Dynasty. Thanks to the recently broadcasted controversy, the show was brought to our attention. We never thought much about it before, so the controversy was actually good advertising! It was my parents who recommended it to us, and out of curiosity, we started watching the show on Apple TV. After just a few episodes, we were hooked! We watched all of the available episodes over Christmas break, while we had the flu. It made some pretty awful sickness moments more bearable. (Though it was hard to cough and laugh at the same time!)

For me, watching the show is like watching family. The guys remind me of some of my awesome relatives. I love the humor, watching them skin bullfrogs, and the family values. I love that they end each show with a prayer as a family.

I like it, but I am drawn to Redneck life -- I'm Alaskan. I love the absurdity, though others may not find it funny at all. I grew up with people like the Robertson family -- Alaska breeds Rednecks in droves. And though the breed of Redneck is different in Alaska than Louisiana (Alaskans sport Carhartts more than Camo), their hearts and humor are the same. So for me, watching the show makes me feel like home, in some strange way.

I was so inspired by the show that I decided it was time to finally shoot my first gun. Charles enjoys a little target practice, so we went to a shooting range on his birthday, and Charles taught me how to shoot. I was terrible at first, I just could not line up the sights in a comfortable way to hit the target. It took me awhile to get comfortable, and finally at the end I got a little better -- my main problem was just relaxing. I was pretty tense at first, as I have been anti-gun for a long time. (That is another story.) So it was a huge leap for me to go from anit-gun to handling one. If you ever doubted my love for Charles, now you know I will do anything for him. He was pretty excited when I offered the shooting range as his Birthday plan.

I was really surprised by who I saw around me at the shooting range. I expected a Robertson family type crew there, but instead there were a TON of girls! There were people from all walks of life. It was fascinating. I would like to say I had fun, but fun is not quite the right word -- it was educational. (And it was LOUD!) I learned a lot, and improved a little. I think I might have to go again and work on my target-shooting skills. . . .

The real question is: Should I start wearing Camo, or Carhartts?

New Calling: Gospel Doctrine Teacher

I was recently called to serve as a Gospel Doctrine teacher in our ward. I have gone 9 months without a calling (see: HERE), but now, this calling involves constant study and prayer, along with delving into deep gospel doctrine on a daily basis in preparation for the lessons.

This calling is wonderful for me right now. We are studying the Old Testament in the Bible, and whenever I study the amazing stories of the Bible, I always feel a greater sense of peace and clarity of mind. It is like getting back to the basics -- it is very invigorating.

Over the last few years my callings in two different wards was as Relief Society teacher. I love teaching the women of the Relief Society. There is always a beautiful picture, a basket of flowers on the table, and often deep emotion and tears flowing -- my kind of teaching environment!

But teaching Gospel Doctrine to both women and men is different.

Or is it?

I am not going to treat it differently. As a teacher of any class my desire is to find the practical application of the lessons, and to allow the lessons to inspire and help motivate people to feel deeply, and to leave with a desire to be better than they were before. So even though I am teaching more challenging material, to both women and men, I will come at it with the same approach as I always have. I will try and get to the heart of the material and ask: How do the lessons and scriptures apply to us in our daily lives? And most importantly, I will try and teach guided by the Spirit.

Hmmmmm . . . maybe I should bring a lace table cloth, and a bouquet of flowers, just for good measure?

I am excited about this calling. I love teaching, because as a teacher you are the one doing the learning.  I am excited for the opportunity to learn and grow in this capacity. I have recently been utterly humbled, but I have been grateful for the experience, as I have had to draw myself closer to my Savior as a result. Humility is a key component to teaching with the Spirit of God. When you listen, and are humble, you can hear the message He wants you to share.

If there is one thing that I want to do in this life it is preach the Word of God. I just want to share the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ! As a Gospel Doctrine teacher, I have been granted a chance to offer my voice in testimony, and for that I am grateful!

Old Testament here we come!

Chillaxing

We have spent the Christmas break mostly sick and relaxing. I have been really grateful for this 2 week break, I have needed it desperately on many levels. I have needed a rest and recover time physically, spiritually, and emotionally. It has been lame to be sick on our break, but at least we had this time empty so we could use it to heal.

The illness that has gone around our house is nasty. I got it on Christmas day night, when my body just kind of shutdown. I spent 2 full days in bed with chills, aches, pain, and misery. Seriously, it was AWFUL! All the kids had the same thing about a week earlier, and Charles had it too. It is finally starting to taper off, but I am still weak and not feeling 100%. The coughing is still hanging around, especially when I try to sleep at night. This too shall pass . . .

We have been resting, watching movies, playing LEGOS, studying for Church lessons, and just being together as a family. I am enjoying every minute of it because I only have a few more days until "real life" returns. At this point though, I cannot wait to get back to full health so I can start exercising again. I hate being sick and not able to workout -- that just makes me feel more sick. Blah. Here is to better and healthier days ahead!

Don't Look Back . . . Look Forward!

2013 was a very strange year for our family. It was full of changes large and small. Our family theme for last year was: REJOICE! And though I do not think 2013 was the best year for our family, there were still many reasons to rejoice and be grateful. There are always reasons to rejoice, even when times are tough -- like this last year proved to be. 

We started our year out having to change our living arrangements. In 2012 we had moved into a large and beautiful rental home, with my parents living with us. The plan was to have them with us for a long time. The arrangement with our families worked fine until the landlord decided to sell the house, and so we had to find a place to move. We looked to buy a house big enough for our family and my parents. We almost bought 5 different house, but the deals always fell through for some reason. 

One difficult night in the big house, Charles and I determined our best course of action was to go back to our little house and make life work living little again. It was one of those moments when the lights turn on in the brain, and you just KNOW that something is the right decision even when it is the hard decision. This decision meant squishing our family into our 2 bedroom home, and my parents would need to find another living arrangement. We had some hard conversations, and my head almost burst trying to work through some of the details and emotions that went along with the hard changes. It was a very strange and trying time for us -- ALL of us.  

My parents opted to go back to Alaska for awhile and prepare to serve another mission. (They have served in Samoa, and New Brunswick.) They went back to Alaska, but rather than preparing for a mission, they were quickly called to serve in the Temple Presidency in the Anchorage, Alaska Temple. Coincidence that they returned to Alaska? I think not. 

Everything in our lives seemed to unravel, all of our plans were being undone. But all the while, God was weaving His tapestry -- moving the pieces where He needed them, with a vision of the beginning to the end. 

While my parents moved back to Alaska, we moved back into our little house that we have owned for the last 6 years. We have managed to survive with our family of 6 living in 932 sqft of living space, with one bathroom. Our daughter has slept in a modified walk-in closet off of the boys room, and Charles and I slept in a bunk bed to save space in our room that doubles as an office. (Did I mention we got rid of our bunk? We are in the same bed now -- I'll blog about that another day!) 

We have survived in our living situation, our children love being so close, and Sammi cannot bear the thought of ever leaving our small house. We love our house too, mostly the location of it, having such a great view, and having our backyard neighbors on over an acre of land so they are far away. But the reality is that the house is growing too small. Our older children are almost as tall as me! 

We have looked, and looked, and looked some more for a suitable house for our family, but we have just not found it. The houses are always either "too hot" or "too cold" -- never just right! (Meaning too expensive, too run down, or too far away, etc.) After over a year of looking it has been pretty frustrating! So in our little house -- living close together -- we remain. God seems to keep telling us to "wait!" So we wait. I am not really good at waiting. I get anxious. 

It makes me wonder why we cannot seem to leave this spot? Why are we "stuck?" I guess only time will tell! 

Over the course of this not-so-wonderful year we have also had medical visits for Henry, and still just waiting to see what his kidney-surgery verdict will be in the future. For now, we just wait for the day he will likely need surgery. . . wait, wait, wait.  

2013 also brought with it strange social/friend events that have changed the way I will view and treat relationships from now on. My view has always and ever been "family first" when it comes to relationships, and that is even more true for me now -- especially having older children. I recently read a blog post of a woman who talked about needing to put up "walls" and protective barriers around herself, and her family, when it comes to how she spends her social time. She was also generally pretty open and free with her thoughts and conversations with people, so I could really empathize with her. With recent experiences, I can feel myself building my own walls even higher than they already were. I saw a quote that went something like this, "Sorry I am a lame friend, I am busy being an awesome mom!" That is where I am at now. I am not saying I am an awesome mom, but I am saying I can be a lame friend because I am TRYING to keep up with the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of 5 people (not to mention myself!) at ALL times! So cut me some slack if I fall short in the realm of being socially awesome. I never claimed to be good at it! 

There are many other occurrences of 2013 that just don't invoke thoughts of joy and happiness. This year just felt like it went by so fast, with not much to show for it. There was no grand event or success that occurred in this last year. We just kind of survived. We made it through. The original plans that we had made for our family and our future had unexpectedly and completely changed, and it caused us to stop in our tracks, while trying to find a new path. It was a year of lying-low, breathing in-and-out, and intense spiritual learning, especially in the lessons of patience. It was a year of lessons. Hard lessons. 

As for our family theme, looking back over the year, all I can say is that I REJOICE that 2013 is OVER!!!!! 

The past is the past. The future is before us! Don't look back! Move forward! 

The Wrong Side of History?

The following may not be suitable for children . . . sorry it is so lengthy, but this topic is hard to discuss without using a lot of words! 

Image from www.lds.org. 

I believe in traditional marriage, and I stand firm in support of it, despite constant and continued opposition. I am allowed my opinion, and I am allowed to defend my views as part of my religious beliefs -- especially as an American citizen. I am also allowed to feel this way and not be labeled discriminatory, hateful, or intolerant.  You can call me those things, but it does not mean that I am. Don't instantly label me just because my beliefs are different from yours -- isn't that how tolerance works?  

It would appear that "tolerance" is only meant to be extended one way -- and it does not seem to be leaning towards religious views and beliefs. Those who have religious reasons to support traditional marriage are meant to be tolerant towards what we view as immoral behavior, while there is zero tolerance extended towards our cherished beliefs and views of defending marriage as a sacred union between a man and a woman. The word tolerance is overly and improperly used -- way too often. Am I the only one getting tired of it? 

We who support traditional marriage are meant to bow down and accept defeat in defending our cause, and we are expected to admit we are in the wrong for what we believe. Tolerance of religion seems to be diminishing with the times. Tolerance for everything else seems to be winning. 

Don't judge. Don't hate. Just tolerate! 

This "battle" (if you want to call it that) is getting awfully close to home. I read an article this morning describing the fight for marriage "equality" currently taking place in the state of Utah. It was stated that those who support traditional marriage are, "Defending discrimination," and "On the wrong side of history."

Wow. Just wow. 

It never ceases to amaze me the cunning use of words used to persuade the masses through the media. For goodness sake, I don't want to be on the wrong side of history! Maybe I should bend my beliefs and do what everyone else is doing? Maybe I should change my beliefs so I can be on the winning side? I certainly don't want to be known for defending discrimination! Yikes! 

I am concerned. I am growing deeply concerned. This is a strange time we live in! I find myself weary of this ongoing battle already. This war of words and courtroom battles, what is the final outcome of this war? What comes next? 

Even now I struggle for the right words to say, as I know I will be viewed as hateful or intolerant for expressing my personal convictions and beliefs. For me my biggest fear resulting from this frenzied-battle is that those who believe in God and His laws will be made silent. We will not be free to express our beliefs and our convictions, because they are in direct opposition to the way that society is trying to force us to believe, and accept as  the law of the land.  We are meant to accept immoral behavior as social equality for all. This is not a good direction to be headed. 

The real problem is, a large percentage of society doesn't even know what the word "immorality" means. And immoral behavior -- behavior contrary to God's laws -- is glorified and made attractive and enticing through all forms of media. We are repeatedly exposed to messages of, "Whatever feels good, whatever you want to do -- do it!"

Ideas and laws have been twisted, so those who try to defend their religious views sound like the ones who are crazy for not supporting marriage equality. Equality, tolerance, discrimination, hate -- these words ring from the rooftops of the Courtrooms, and wave high on the banners -- striking fear into the hearts of those who disagree. It is baffling. It is meant to be baffling and confusing -- these are the ideas of mankind we are working with here, not God's ways.  

If you are afraid, if "Politically Correct" words scare you, remember to replace your fear with faith. God is in charge, don't forget that! 

No matter what happens, we who are being silenced cannot be silent! If you have a voice -- no matter how small -- you should express your beliefs and convictions and let people of like mind know that they do not stand alone. It may feel like you stand alone, but you don't!

I believe in traditional marriage. I also believe in God, and that He has laws and commandments set in place that we are meant to try and follow. I know there are many who do not have the same beliefs as I do, and it would be hard for them to see the world through my religious perspective. All they see from me is intolerance towards my fellowman, and that is simply not the case. I love all of God's children -- some more than others, it's true, but I do try to love. 

Let me clarify something real quick . . . there is something that comes up a lot when I write posts like this one, and it is the question of wondering how I can fight against the individual people involved: friends, neighbors, members of families -- good people! The answer is simple. I LOVE them! 

It is not the individual who struggles with physical tendencies and attractions towards the same gender that I oppose. No, it is the individual that I LOVE! I recognize that we all have struggles and tendencies that we battle with while we dwell here on earth. I have my own weaknesses that seem to keep me from the person I wish I could be. We all struggle. But that does not mean we need to embrace our tendencies and make them the whole of who we are. We should not identify ourselves by our tendencies. We are children of God! We are capable of so much more than that.

From my own experience with physical tendencies, I have battled with my weight. I always have, and I know I always will. It is on my mind ALL the time -- from morning until night. You could even say I was "born that way" -- destined to battle the bulge for a lifetime. (At least it sure feels like it!) But just because I am inclined to eat everything in sight, it does not mean I should let my physical overeating tendency win the battle of who I really am as a daughter of God. 

I will always and forever fight against my human frailties and inclinations towards things that are not good for me. It is possible to overcome our weaknesses, people prove that time and time again. Whether or not we want to overcome -- or embrace -- our tendencies, is completely up to us! Whether those tendencies are overeating, same-gender attraction -- or anything in between -- it is up to the individual whether or not we let it control us, and define us.

So, again, to make it clear -- to the individual who struggles with same-gender attraction, I want you to know, I love you! You are my brother, you are my sister. I do not battle against the individual who lives with same-gender attraction, I wish the best for them, and would hope they could come to a place of peace and happiness in life. And allow God to help you through your struggles, as I rely on Him to help me through mine. 

Where the Church Stands: The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them. With love and understanding, the Church reaches out to all God’s children, including our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. For more go: HERE

So, although I love the individual with same-gender attraction as my brother or sister, and I have great empathy for them, I cannot support the political groups and the movements legalizing behavior that is against the laws of God. It is not out of hate and discrimination that I cannot support these movements, it is out of love and a desire to support the loving relationships that God has defined as His way -- marriage between a man and a woman. 

As one who loves family history, all you have to do is look at a family tree to see how God's plan for the family works. It is not complicated, it is the circle of life that continues on and on through the ages to Eternity.  It is God's way for His children, it is His divine way. Family is a divine institution.  Marriage between husband and wife is a sacred relationship that should be valued and protected. I believe that with all my heart, and everything that I am. 

I know it is hard to understand, but the only way to understand where I am coming from is to understand my belief system, and that would take a lifetime. Go to: www.lds.org for more information.  

When it comes to defining marriage, I support marriage between a man and a woman. It is not about hate, or intolerance, or discrimination -- it is about my basic and fundamental religious beliefs, and doctrines, regarding marriage. It is out of a desire to defend the laws of God and not man, that I stand for. None of this should be in the hands of the government to deal-out judgment, but it is, so it is the battlefield on which we have to work things out. 

I offer my very small and insignificant voice in support of traditional marriage between a man and a woman. If you stand for traditional marriage, I want you to know that you are not alone! It may feel like all the world is against your beliefs, but there are still many who stand firm in support of traditional marriage and God's laws. 

I believe the time for courage has come. It will only become harder with time, and it is best to know where you stand, and to stand steadfast and immovable in your faith -- no matter how many worldly and political battles are lost. They may all be lost before the final battle is won. So take courage, there is a larger plan at play here. Trust God and look to Him for guidance. 

I felt strongly about this today, for some reason, and I wanted to write my views down. We can let God determine who is on the "wrong side history". It is for Him to decide the final outcome. It is God's history books that count. Whether I am on the wrong (or right) side of history -- I will leave in His hands. 

If you are struggling with your feelings on the topic read this: HERE