Which Mari do you like the best?

I had a long conversation with a friend, about feeling fat. This friend passionately expressed the same exact feelings that I have every single day of my life -- the same feelings I have had since before I can remember. My friend and I, we just don't feel comfortable in our own skin. My friend said she is ok with her appearance, she even thinks she is pretty (she is gorgeous). But regardless, she walks around, daily, ashamed of her weight. She went on, and on . . . unloading emotions that I could entirely empathize with, since her emotions were exactly the same as mine. She talked about the struggle that it is to balance motherhood, and taking good care of yourself. It is a daily struggle. And there is a constant voice which dwells in your head whispering loudly, "Your body is too big, and that means you are not good enough." The voice deceives, "No matter how talented you are, it doesn't count . . . you are not skinny." (Harsh, I know. But there it is.) It is an evil voice, to be sure. A very loud, and very powerful voice. 

Now, this friend is a completely beautiful, intelligent, smart, amazing woman  . . . she is witty, fun, and well-loved by others. She has a great, strong, healthy body. She works-out all the time to stay healthy.  I look at her with great admiration. She is an astonishing woman, really. I have learned so much from her, in a very short time. I would not change a thing about her. 

NOT. A. THING.

But she would. 

As I looked into her pleading eyes, and listened to her feelings, I realized that when I look at her, I do not judge her by her size . . . I love her because she is who she is. Whether she packs on 10, 20, or 50 pounds (or more) . . . I still just see her as her. She will always be her, no matter what size of her she is. She will always be amazing. She can't help it. 

And, as my friend was talking, I thought about me. (I know, selfish, right?) But right now, I am not in the best place for me. I am working-out and trying to regain my strength and health, after having a baby, and it has been difficult -- but I am determined. I will do it, because I like being healthy. However, I realized that no matter what size I am, I will still be me. When people look at me, they may see a bigger or smaller me, but I am who I am -- regardless. For example, in the images above, my weight ranges about 70 pounds -- but I look at the pictures, and I am still just me. The fat cells in my body may expand, or contract, but underneath it all . . . I am still there. 

I am me. I am not a number on a scale. 

My dear friend, you are you. I seriously don't care how much you weigh. 

I love you, because you are you! 

On this same topic . . . a few years ago, I had a friend who was a beautiful, tall, blonde, thin, fair-skinned, all-around flawless-looking lady. I envied her, a lot . . . anyone would. (Envy is bad, don't do it!) This lady had such a happy, pleasant face, too. She was everything lovely. Picture-perfect she was. Then, one day, I was at her home, and she said, "Mari, I want to show you something." She then lifted her shirt, just a little, and exposed her belly. She commenced in pulling out rolls, and rolls, of stretched-out sagging skin -- like nothing I had ever seen before. She had given birth to twins, and it had really done a number on her poor body. She talked to me about how she was plagued by this hidden pouch, and it caused her great pain, and insecurity. She was as plagued by her hidden pouch, as I was with my more obvious imperfections. And there I was, ridiculously thinking she was walking-around all physically perfect . . . judge not, right? 

My point (if I even have one), is that the older I get, the more I realize . . . we all have something we carry as a burden. We all have a "hidden pouch," or an "inner-voice," that plagues us, even daily.  We all have a "thorn in our side," that pricks us, throughout our days. The thorns come in all different shapes, sizes, and sharpness . . . but they are there, and we all have to deal with them. 

We can let our "thorns" conquer us, and keep us paralyzed with insecurity and fear -- or we can fight back! 

I would say to my friend (and I guess I had better say it to me, too) . . . 

You are beautiful. You are amazing. Do not be so hard on yourself -- you deserve better than constant mental-beatings over numbers on a scale. Do not buy into social-pressure to have the "perfect" body -- there is no such thing. I do not care if you are fat, or skinny, or somewhere in between -- you are fabulous. I know you still don't believe me . . . but try. Really try. Your thorn in your side is not fat, it is that voice which tells you that you are not good enough. Overcome it. Do not give in. Be strong, and change that voice in your head. Change that voice, so you can be happy. I love you for being you. And you should love you, too. 

But most of all, my friend, I want you to know that I understand. You are not alone in your battle. I am right there fighting it, too . . . that voice, that very loud voice, in my (our) head . . . 

We can't let it win. 

Oh, and to answer my own question: "Which Mari do I like the best?" (In the images above) . . .

There is only one me. And I am "me" in every picture.