My Weak Week

I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster this week. There were days when I felt like I had the moxie completely knocked-out of me. I questioned my ability, I questioned my strength, and I questioned every little detail of my entire self and life. You know, like, who the heck am I . . . really?

Most of the time, I prefer to preach sunshine and roses, and most of the time I really feel a sense of peace and joy in my life. And then there are other not-so-bright times, and difficult, even painful, feelings. And though they are less fun to talk about, they DO happen, and I want to make sure my life portrayed on my blog is not completely skewed to seem like some "fluff-puff" life without trial or troubles.

I have trials just like everyone else. Small ones, big ones, medium-sized ones, and stupid ones I cause myself.

I think, last week, I found time throughout each day to shed tears, to have doubt, and to feel unsure. About what, you ask? I still don't really know. Really, it was just a laundry list of little things that became strangely overwhelming and burdening to my weakened mind.

On my worst day, I was even cursing the fact that I sleep in a bunk bed, and our family shares one bathroom. Yeah, I was brought low -- way low. For what cause, and purpose, I don't know? It is yet to be determined . . . I'll let you know if I figure it out.

I have to say, my heavy feelings began after returning home from my family reunion -- which was great. But a funny thing about family get-togethers is there can also be a lot of underlying weird feelings that go along with the party. (Oh wait, did I just say that out loud?) Yeah, I did. We all carry baggage with us (or maybe it is just me) and we are confronted with it when we reunite and gather.

We all have our "place" in the family. You know, the role that is yours, that you are expected to fill. If you suddenly started acting out of character, people would wonder what is wrong with you -- or what game you were playing at.

It does not end when you are older, either.

When you get that many people together, living different lives, in very different ways -- you are really just asking for it.

Anyway, so there were some weird feelings from that, some unfortunate "comparing" remarks, and then when I got home -- I just felt exhausted from it all. (Please do not get me wrong, I LOVE my family . . . forever.) I am just saying . . . there is "weird" too.

Does that ever happen to you when you gather with family? No, probably not, I am sure it is just me. I just think too much. And THAT is a fact. But if you do not want to know what I think, this blog is probably not the place for you.

Moving on . . .

As a result of my emotional weariness, I felt awful. I did not want to workout and go running. I ate ice cream and popsicles to make me feel good. And I spent my week in a kind of pity-coma. And I felt AWFUL. Really, really, awful.

For months I had been diligently taking really good care of myself and having self-mastery and discipline, and as I did that, I felt AMAZING. All aspects of my life seemed more pleasant and joyful. It is really astonishing what merely having self-control can do for your soul.

And then, because of my unusual pity-party, I dropped the ball this week, and let me tell you -- I suffered for it.

I had to take a nap everyday because I was so tired, and I had no energy from not exercising. I slacked on my water, and my head would ache about half-way through the day. I ate sugary snacks and would feel angry right after -- part disappointed in myself, and part sugar high-to-low.

I used to feel this way EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

When I let myself just kind of "be" without control, or self-mastery -- I became prey to the consequences of my choices. When I did whatever I thought would just "feel good" for the moment, I always regretted it later, even just seconds later. When I slacked on the things that I knew would make me feel better (like exercise, and drinking lots of water), I suffered greatly for my lack of effort.

I was causing this pain myself.

So, in essence, this last week was sort of a "perfect storm" for me to feel completely dreadful.

It came down to choices. And I did not make good choices. And I deserved to feel as wretched as I did.

My mind was weak -- I allowed it to be. My body was weak -- with my permission.

I felt rotten. And I felt it, severely.

And now, this week, this NEW week, I am going to run (literally!) as FAR as I can to get away from the torment that racked my soul and body. Oh, how I hated feeling such misery and disgust from my choices and actions.

Let that be a lesson to me!

Only I have the power to change the way I feel. Only I have the power to change what I do. 

And I DO have power.

I just have to keep reminding myself to use it.

And when I fall, I have to yank myself back up again.

Here's to a new week of sunshine and roses!