Midlife Crisis

I have been feeling melancholy lately. Don't get me wrong . . . I am happy, enjoying life, and everything is "fine." I am reading my scriptures, and saying my prayers, like a good little girl. But I feel like I am at a crossroads. I feel like I am on the brink . . . the brink of something. 

I have a great desire to settle down, or rather, plant my roots. To find that place . . . that place where I (we) belong. (There may not even be such a place, but I have to believe there is.) I am also really trying to figure out what I want out of life. I could go on doing what I am doing forever, the way that I am currently doing it, I suppose. But I feel like there is more . . . there must be more . . . to life. To my life.

My problem is: I just don't know what I want out of life? (I am talking about temporally, more than spiritually -- though they are tightly connected!)

Result: I wander aimlessly without direction or purpose, besides basic survival. I am just running around like a crazy-chicken without a goal or desire to fuel my passion for life.

I don't know exactly what I want out of life, but I do know one thing for certain: I want to live an authentic life. 

Right now I live in a cookie-cutter neighborhood, with houses a little too close to each other, and I get a note on the door if I forget to pull a weed from the front yard. The house we are renting is undoubtedly beautiful on the inside, and out. It is a sought-after, lovely, glorious place to live. There are paved trails, swimming pools, tennis courts, and every desirable man-crafted thing. I am so grateful we found this home to rent, it was/is a miracle, and I recognize it as such.

But it is not my idea of long-term happiness. (I use the word "happiness" loosely, since temporal things can not really bring true happiness.) Perhaps I should say, it does not cause me to feel a sense of well-being.

Anyhow, before renting this home we lived in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. I knew when we made the decision to buy that little home that we would be tight, and that the home and yard needed a frightful amount of work to be done. I knew putting all 5 of us in that home would be a challenge, but I LOVE (and thrive) in a challenge of that nature. I love to do things that others would not want to do, or think to do. I love to live a unique life -- not a cookie-cutter life. I am not sure if it is even ok to "want" like I do . . . but I guess I just want something more. Something more than the same . . . as everyone else.

Right now I am living a cookie-cutter life. And it is not as sugar-and-sprinkles as it would appear. At least not for me . . .

Which leaves me to wonder what I really want . . . or rather, where I want my life to be lived. (I say "I" but I mean my whole family, of course!)

I was recently visiting a ward in Midway, Utah, where Elder Jeffrey R. Holland lives. He and his wife were in the ward the week we were there, and his wife shared how they "knew" that Midway was where they were supposed to live. They even met with some serious challenges on their property (having to do with a spring of water on their land) but they persevered, and made it work. It gave me great comfort that they felt that way. That they, too, wanted to find the "right" place for them. And they found it.

THAT is what I am looking for. Finding that place, that homestead . . . HOME. (Brigham Young said, "This is the place" when he got to Utah . . . that can happen for me, too? Right?) I suppose it is because I had that when I was growing up. My home was magic. Home was everything to me. I want that for my children. And it is not JUST in location, but a feeling that is created . . . wherever you are. But some places are admittedly easier to create atmosphere in!

We took a trip recently, to get away from the rat-race. We needed to view the world in a different light. We needed to shake-it-up a little, and to realize there is more to life than the daily grind. It was such a fantastic trip. It was desperately needed, and I am grateful we could just go.

The cabin/home we went to was out in the boondocks. The people owned farm-land, and animals, and horses. A long time ago, when I first met Charles, I had a vision of our future -- a little snapshot, if you will. The image was on a farm, with animals. It was us, together, our family. I told Charles about this glimpse -- of what seemed like the future -- so he can confirm it.

I want to make that image happen. I want to have a little farm -- nothing big and crazy -- but a place where we can work the land and make it thrive. It will take work, hard work. It will take hard work to get there, and hard work once we are there. But I believe it would be worth it. I like hard work. I thrive when I am working hard, and I dwindle when I am left to laziness. I love to feel sweat pouring down my dirt-covered face. I love to till the land, and make something grow that was not there before. I love to see a diamond in the rough, and I love to be the one to polish it.

I want a garden. I want a home full of warmth and comfort, a safe haven from the world. I want to be more self-sufficeint. I want a horse . . . I really do. After being around horses the last few days, it has made it that much more of a desire in my heart.

When my parents had a midlife crisis they moved from Arizona to Alaska for a year, and then went back to Arizona for awhile, before moving to Alaska permanently. It's a good thing they did that -- following their "dream" -- because their last 3 children (me, Beth, and John) all found our spouses in Alaska. Sometimes following your dream is essential!

So, my midlife crisis has lead me to dust off my dreams, and pull them to the forefront of my mind.

Now to make it happen . . .

Jump!

 The cabin had a trampoline (which can be used at your own risk, after signing a waiver). We are risk-takers, so we let our kids jump. :-) The kids LOVED it! It is too bad they are so dang dangerous, because they are so dang FUN! I love the pictures that trampolines produce, too! So fun! Such a beautiful day! 

 LOVE THIS ONE!! 

 Jumping on the tramp was just an added bonus to the awesome experience! 

Jackson Hole, Wyoming

I was getting really restless, and feeling the need to get out of town as a family. I had been reading about the importance of wholesome family recreational activities (here), and I decided it was time we needed to just get outta town! (It has been awhile, since having the baby.) We chose Jackson Hole as our destination, because it is only about 5 hours away, and we had heard it was beautiful. We found a fantastic cabin, and we had a really rejuvenating time. Sometimes you just need to scoop everyone up, and GO! 

I took SO MANY pictures, I will have to do them in chunks. 

The Fall colors were so vibrant and amazing -- I really think it was the perfect time of year to go. 

 We did the tourist thing, and walked around the shops

 William was lovin the trip . . . that is chocolate ice-cream on his face -- good times. 

 Amazing colors

 I am from Alaska, and to be impressed with mountains is unusual -- but the Tetons were really something! 

 We had nice relaxing mornings, waking-up on farm land, and drinking hot cocoa. 

 staying warm

 William said, "This is the BEST DAY EVER!" And THAT is exactly why sometimes you just need to go have FUN! 

 Daniel contemplating the meaning of life. . . another good reason to leave town. 

 Whoo!

 Sleepy Sammi watching the sunrise

 William in the sun

 Doing a little horse-whispering . . . very therapeutic. 

 William LOVED the horses, he was not afraid at ALL (quite the opposite!) 

 Baby cheese! 

 So amazing . . . 

 Super model. :-) 

 I want a horse. 

 I really do. 

 Charles bonding with the horsey . . . he loves animals. 

 The cabin was amazing! I HIGHLY recommend it! 

 And so do they!

 Family . . . 

Isn't it about time?

YES!!!

Happenings

Last week, the van Ormer home was a little nutty. But I think that is just how life is going to be from now on. We have older kids. We have 4 kids. We have a "newish" baby. We are active members of the church. We run our own business. And that makes life exciting -- to say the least! 

I have never been one who believes in flaunting the, "I'm SO busy" line. But right now, life is, well -- SO BUSY! It seems like it happened overnight. Last year, I did not even have to drive the kids to school, they walked. This year those 6 trips -- each 15 + minutes one-way -- are really filling my day! 

That is life though. And, you know, I might as well love it, right?

 It is my life. Mine. My own. My precious . . . 

(Did I mention I can't wait for the Hobbit? Oh yeah!) 

When there is a non-busy crack in the day, I have been trying to squeeze in a little "light" reading . . . (don't let that Weight Watchers book fool you -- I am certainly NOT dieting). And so far, all the recipes from that book have been nasty -- the kids especially thought they were gross. I think the idea is to make food totally unappealing, and then you lose weight. Also, notice the black spot on Henry's back? That is a fly. I hate flies. They are nasty and they are EVERYWHERE! Ick! The flies were the only ones in our house who seemed to love the food last week. 

We have been trying lots of different recipes, and the kids have not been too thrilled about them. Our mistake was trying really random, weird, stuff (Charles picked most of the recipes last week.) This week we are going back to a more kid-friendly plan. 

We made stuffed peppers . . . they were OK, but not as good as they should have been. In my opinion the spices were all wrong -- that dang Weight Watchers book spoiled it again! They were pretty though. Like Christmas. 

 The stuffed pepper filling . . . it wants to be yummy, but it's just not. 

I am still helping Charles out at home with his business, daily. I do pretty much whatever he needs, whenever he needs it. 

Our house is always filled with "music". Sammi chose to play the saxophone this year, last year she played the clarinet. The Sax is WAY louder (and more expensive to rent! Yikes! Like DOUBLE the clarinet). But Sammi is doing super (thank goodness). I still could really use a sound-proof room. She was selected for some statewide honor band, but she had to decide between that, and basketball. Basketball won. (Basketball starts at 7:15 in the morning! Yea!) 

 Sammi is also working hard at the piano -- ALL the time! If she happens to pass by it, she plays it. She is addicted to it, it would seem. I love it when she plays . . . except for one song. "Masquerade" from The Phantom of the Opera. She likes to play that song really fast, while I am making dinner, as the boys are running around in circles, and the baby is crying -- yeah, it can make me crazy!  Whew! But she is doing great, and I am so happy for her. 

 Here is Sammi's commitment to not watch Phantom too much. (This was her doing, not mine.) It cracks me up. She was watching her favorite parts, daily. (The stage-play movie, not the Hollywood movie.) There is some pretty awesome music in the play, for sure. So far, she has not watched it for 2 weeks. Way to go Sam!

It has been SO SMOKEY around here. Nasty. It was so bad last week, they discouraged outdoor activities, like running. I did not run all last week, because I was feeling so gross from the smoke. (Man I felt nasty not running.) Luckily, it rained last night and cleared it out. (I ran today.) It has been smokey almost ALL summer. No fun. 

 SO gross. See those little lights in the distance? BSU vs. BYU. Oh yeah. 

Random cute picture of Henry. He was looking at me making goo-goo eyes. Love this baby! 

 Charles had a Scout campout and he took Daniel with him. 

William was the man of the house -- so everyone slept in my room. 

 Before we went to sleep that night, we watched Shrek 1 and 3 (we couldn't find 2 ). For some reason I love those movies. I didn't like them the first time I saw them, but they really grew on me. 

Daddy bought Settlers of Catan, and he has been educating the children. (Good thing, since I am not a fan of those kind of games.) Also, notice Sammi's hair, I found an awesome website for cute girl hair ideas -- I need all the help I can get, since I am horrible at anything fancy. 

 Henry still sucks his thumb, and he ONLY sleeps on his tummy. 

 I tried offering Henry a binky, but he did not love it. 

 I didn't cover the things that made last week crazy, but it just was. Crazy week + not running = loopy me. Let's hope this week is a little more smooth. (Not likely.) At the very least -- let's hope the food tastes better!