The Family Pecking Order

Where do you fit in, in your family? Are you the oldest, the youngest, the middle child, or perhaps the only child?

Lately, I have been thinking about the family pecking order. As my kids are growing older, it is becoming more and more fascinating to watch the family dynamics emerge. I have observed some pretty funny behaviors, and some pretty funny attempts at getting desired attention. Having them all home for the summer has made some of the dynamics even more interesting. For example, watching Sammi and Daniel compete while doing things like lifting weights, and push-ups, has been hilarious. Why do they want to be the best? To please me, of course! Because I am mom, and I determine their awesomeness level.

Whether we like it, or not, we have a place in our family -- a place that we can't really change. Because of the order of our birth, we are treated a certain way, and have certain advantages (or disadvantages) based on what is going on with the family, how busy parents are, and many other family complexities.

For example, when I sent Sammi (my first-born) to kindergarten, she had my undivided attention. I had that girl ready with reading and writing, and everything in between. We would practice letters and numbers daily, and read all the day long. Before school I would dress her nicely, and even put curlers in her hair. She always looked like a princess as she headed into the kindergarten doors. I had all day, there was really nothing else dividing my attention, Daniel was young and happy to just frolic. And she was my first, she was going to show me if I was a lame parent, or not. (No pressure on her!) She was a prototype child -- I couldn't get it wrong, right?

And now, I must say, the other kids have not been so lucky. I have always tried to give my other children the same attention that she received, but just because of her place as first born she has undoubtedly received more. My boys have obviously not had curlers put in their hair before school, but they have also not received the same intense one-on-one as Sammi, just because there are more of them to tend to. And now, add a baby, and the dynamics have changed even more -- as babies trump all when it comes to needing, and receiving, attention -- from everyone!

And even though there are clear signs of competing children, and some of the children have displayed behaviors that would show a little resentment for being dethroned as the baby -- somehow, magically, the kids are alright. We try to work things out as a family group, and try to raise each child with love and learning. Some children may not get as much attention from mom, but they all have my equal love and devotion to their health and well-being. And if I am lucky, they may just turn out alright in the end. Only time will tell. But even though the kids will all be OK, I still think it is just so interesting how where we fit in our family really does change how we perceive life, our attitudes, and who we will become.

For me, I am the 4th child out of 5. Our dynamic in our family is kind of weird since my parents had two sets of kids at different times. I have a brother who is 14 years older than me, and a sister who is 12 years older than me. I also have a sister who is a little over a year older than me, and a brother over a year younger than me. As I was growing-up as a little tot, our house was full of teenagers, and teenage activities. I can remember being surrounded by beautiful young men, and young women, and doing little dances for them, and cartwheels, just begging for attention.

Teenage Kary and Bob, me in the pink dress, and Beth in the jean skirt.

 Sorry John, you must have been taking a nap in this picture. :-) 

My oldest brother, Bob, was my protector. He was tall, and strong, and handsome. He would always tell me if anyone messed with me, to let him know, and he would handle it. He was a basketball player and a singer . . . I am pretty sure he can sing louder than most human beings. He left home when I was still very young to go to school, and on a mission. He got married, and I became an aunt when I was 9 years old. I have had a chance in my adult years to spend some time with Bob and his family, and it has  been fun to get to know him better.

I can remember admiring my older sister, Kary, so much. I would watch her paint on her make-up, and want to try too. She would curl her hair then fluff it to the sky, and she would slip on tight jeans, with high-heels (oh yeah, it was the 80's!). I would listen to her sing in church, and wish that I would sound like her one day. She would often sing with her friend Hilary, now known as Hilary Weeks. I would just sit and listen, and hope that I could grow up and be awesome like Kary.

My sister, Beth, was who I would shadow all day. She was just a little older than me, and so whatever she was doing I would try to do, too. We had very different personalities -- which clashed a bit as teenagers -- but we became great friends as adults. I think it is hard for a lot of sisters who are close in age, especially when it comes to sharing clothes, and competing for boys. :-) Now, we love each other dearly, and Beth has one of the best hearts I know of.

My younger brother, John, was the baby of the family. Which also means he trumped all for attention. We were buddies, and we would play all day together. Though I do remember the only time I ever got grounded was for punching John in the head. (He, he.) John also got a lot of ego-caressing because at the age of 5 his hair began falling out. He has Alopecia. It was a very traumatic thing for everyone, but we can all only imagine how John must have felt. He dealt with it like a champ, though. Even when dumb kids made fun of him. He often graced the stage with performances of singing and dancing. We were even partners in Swing Choir for awhile, which was funny. He was (and is) a good baby brother.

Oh look, there you are Johnny! 

Me, John, and Beth. 

In our awesome jackets that you could fold into a purse. 

And that brings us to me . . .

I was the middle child in the second batch of kids. So, I was pretty much always begging for attention. I liked to talk, a lot -- but only at home. I was really shy with strangers. I liked to sing in my bedroom for hours on my karaoke machine. I was a decent student, but I always felt like there was some secret to life that I was missing out on. I tested to start school early, which meant I was always way younger than the kids in my class, and all my friends from church were in the grade beneath me. I was always a thinker/ponderer/dreamer, and I loved to talk about deep things. I was a journal-writer. I loved music. Who I was as a kid has not changed much -- my core is the same -- I am just bigger now. 

My family. 

John, Bob, Dad, Me, Beth, Mom, Kary 

The Family Pecking Order is fascinating stuff! It is very interesting to consider how it shapes you into who you are. (For better, or worse!) 

As a parent, I want to treat all my kids the same, and fairly -- but they are all so different, and need different things. It is a hard thing to try and balance. I do think it is really important to talk with all the kids, and let them know that they are all equally loved and adored by me (and Charles). No matter what they do with their lives, no matter who they are, and who they become, or where they fit in the family dynamic -- they will all always be my precious babies that I love! I love them for their differences, and the things that make them unique. This parenting thing . . . it is awesomely fun, fantastic, and fascinating! 

So where do you fit in your family? How has it affected you?