Pain

I am sure no one wants to hear about my weaknesses, but I certainly have them, and they are many. If you don't want to hear my whining, stop reading now. 

Lately, I have been made more aware of the things that ail me. I have been allowed to experience humility, in the form of pain. I have learned that no matter what people appear like on the outside, everyone has pain in some form. Whether it is physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc., it is part of life, and not the fun part, I might add. It is the part of life that excavates the moxie out of us, or it is the part of life that buries us in defeat. I suppose it is up to us to choose. 

But pain is hard to deal with, isn't it? 

It has been for me. Ever since I gave birth to Henry, I have had burning lower back pain. (I am sure it has nothing to do with the 50lbs I gained during pregnancy.) Sometimes the pain is barely there, even tolerable. While other times it throws me flat on my back, praying for relief. This has happened only a couple of other times in my life, but never for such a long stretch of time. It has gone away in the past after a few weeks, or so. That has not been the case lately. 

Along with the lower back pain, I have felt very bloated. I am sure the two are connected. By feeling bloated, I don't mean I feel fat (though I feel that, too) but it is deeper than that. I am not sure if the bloating is making my back hurt, or if my back pain is making me feel bloated, but the pain is all in the lower regions of my body, and sometimes my hips like to ache and join in the painful party. (And, yes, Dad, I have been drinking Metamucil.) I have wondered if it is not something to do with digestion that also causes pressure on my lower back. If you google my symptoms they range from constipation to cancer.  Not very helpful. 

The few times I was able to heal up my back (or at least not feel so much pain) in the last year, I have done Pilates/strength training activities. The last few months, I have been purely running, and pounding the pavement, while pushing the stroller. I love being outside, and breathing fresh air -- it is the best. But I am starting to wonder if I am not doing more damage than good at this point. My lower back pain/hip pain/bloating seems worse than it was before. 

So, I am going to do an experiment. For the next 2 weeks, I am going to stop running. I will walk, and be outside, but I am going to focus purely on gaining strength and flexibility. I have got to heal this poor body of mine. I think when I go out running and I slam my girth on my poor back and hips, they revolt and cry out saying, "Please save me before I snap!" 

It is so much easier for me to tie up my running shoes and step-out the door, than it is to do an hour plus video of TaeBo, or Pilates. But I really think that it is the problem. My body is weak, and floppy. My muscles have been dormant and disintegrating. I need to rebuild my strength FIRST. And then, when I have some strength, and less of me to cart around -- then I can go pound the pavement, hopefully without pain! (If after the next few weeks my pain still persists, I will be carting myself off to the doctor to ask him to save me.)

I have been jogging for about the last year, and seen little results, though in the last few weeks I have lost almost 10lbs. Finally! Part of the problem for me with running is it makes me so dang hungry, and even tired. Whereas strength-training actually boosts my energy, and suppresses my ferocious appetite (at least a little!). I am starting to think I was just made for heavy-lifting, and manual labor. I think my body craves it, needs it, wants it. It was just a few years ago I was pulling handcarts, and I felt I was in my element. I think I was meant to be a farmer/laborer like my ancestors before me. Running is great and all, but I am just not so sure it is my "thing." In the past when I have gotten in great shape I ran, but I also did TaeBo/Tae Kwon Do almost daily -- it made all the difference for me. A few years ago when I lifted weights/machines at the gym I lost 20lbs in 2 months. I mean, I think there is something to it, don't you? 

If there is one thing I have learned about myself it is that I bite off more than I can chew. In many, many, ways. Charles keeps reminding me it is, "One day at a time," and not body-slamming myself into pain and illness. But I am always thinking, "If the Biggest Loser people can do it in so little time, than why not me?" But in reality, how many of them gain weight back/get out of shape because they did not learn to master the one day at a time practice? A lot. 

My brother who recently lost 70+ pounds through proper diet and mostly exercise reminded me to, "Just keep swimming." It took him over a year to lose that much weight, and he said it would average out to 1 pound a week. 1 pound a week. One day at a time. And that is where I am trying to get my mental. It is not some contest, or some quick exercise-slamming session fix. It is life. Exercise has to be part of life, and it has to be one day at a time. It is not about instant results, or starving yourself for a month, or starting on Monday, or anything like that. 

It is one day at a time. It is today. It is now. 

Sometimes that is overwhelming. To think I have to fling my body around, everyday, for the rest of my life? Yikes. But I cannot think like that. It is today. TODAY. That is what counts. 

And today I flung my body around with Billy Blanks TaeBo team, and you know what -- I conquered today. I did it. And eventually it will really start making a difference. And hopefully, help with my pain. All of those "one days at a time" will catch-up to me. I will be strong, not strong like I used to be, but strong like now. A new strong. Strong without pain would be really nice! 

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming! 

Oh, and pray for my back to heal one day at a time, too. Otherwise, off to the doctor I will go to see what is wrong with me.